The Takeaway
The primary thing students must be ready and willing to do is to be known.
The willingness to be known—to disclose, to show appropriate vulnerability—is a factor to performance in the workplace. By becoming more known, you’re gaining influence, building relationships, building trust. My willingness to be vulnerable is a leadership skill and choice, because it has the potential for reciprocity.
As we go through the quarter, the level of trust is built up so much that people are willing to share very personal things—such as sexual assault, the impact of divorce, abandonment, verbal abuse. That is part of their life experience, and it could show up in the workplace, because it could get triggered.
If we don’t allow issues like this to be spoken about, then as an employee, I can’t self-manage: I’m going to bottle it up and risk suddenly exploding or fully withdrawing. If I can’t share it, I’m not managing others’ perception of me and my emotions, because, in the absence of information, people will make up their own, often-incorrect explanations. My manager, my boss, my team leader is unaware of what’s affecting my performance but will know that something is off. The more I can appropriately disclose about me, the more control I have with how others perceive me.
As an example, I’ve been working with a consulting colleague on a client project. We have different working styles and live in different time zones. She is well-organized, while I am more spontaneous. Our skills complement—that’s why the client hired us together.
We had a deliverable due on Friday, and I needed to get my part to her on Wednesday by end of day. EOD for her is 5 p.m. PST, but for me it’s 11:59 p.m. CST.
At 7 p.m., she started bombarding me with text messages. I was having dinner with my five-year-old. I felt reprimanded, angry, micromanaged. She felt disrespected and, after 20 texts, ignored. Until we talked it out, neither of us understood the other. I learned the impact on her. She learned what happened to me. A simple solution: we decided EOD for us both is 5 p.m. PST.
Most people just let sleeping dogs lie. You hear them say, “It’s not worth it.” I say, replace the word it with you or me. “I’m not worth it,” or “You’re not worth it.” Otherwise, it becomes this progressive impoverishment of the relationship. The less I tell you about me, the less you will tell me about you, and we get further and further apart, and it becomes harder to do the work.
Having these conversations is an example of what I call the zone of productive discomfort. You and I might both be uncomfortable, yes, and that gives us the opportunity to reach another level in our relationship. Turning up the heat on a relationship works if both parties want to make it work. I give my students the chance to walk into that fire, and they usually take it.