
The Lost Art of Connecting
Read an excerpt from The Lost Art of Connecting: The Gather, Ask, Do Method for Building Meaningful Business Relationships by Susan McPherson.
The Lost Art of ConnectingAnita Brick: Hi, this is Anita Brick and welcome to CareerCast at Chicago Booth. To help you advance in your career. Today we're delighted to be speaking with Susan McPherson. Susan is a serial connector, angel investor, and corporate responsibility expert. She is the founder and CEO of McPherson Strategies, a communication consultancy focused on the intersection of brands and social impact, and the author of The Lost Art of Connecting.
She has contributed to the Harvard Business Review, Fast Company, and Forbes. Susan invests in and advises women-led startups and serves on the advisory boards of The List and Altruists. Also, she's a member of MIT Solve Women and Technology Leadership Group and serves as an advisor to several nonprofits, including Girls Who Code, which you all know about. It's a wonderful organization.
She is the first on the op ed project. She is a Vital Voices Global corporate ambassador and lives in Brooklyn. Susan, thank you. I know that you are super busy. I know you have so much going on, having read your book. Loved it cover to cover. Thank you for making time for us.
Susan McPherson: I am absolutely thrilled to be here, Anita, and quite frankly, I could listen to you speak all day long. What a voice you have.
Anita Brick: Oh, thank you. So I thought we could start with two broader questions. And it does seem like a lot of the questions that were submitted are people who are struggling with how to actually build those connections is a lost art that you talk about from.
Susan McPherson: The late 60s, early 70s. My formative years were surrounded by a mom and dad that were very much into connecting, using the quote unquote technology at the time, which was a manual typewriter and a rotary phone. When I think about the fact that we cannot be physically in person with one another at this juncture that we are living, of course, I hearken back to how they stayed connected.
For this very brilliant question, the first answer I would say is this is over the long haul. Every one of us needs to think about internally what does a meaningful connection look like. And think about it as much more than just getting a business card and then sending a quick email and then moving on, or connecting with someone on LinkedIn, and then two hours later, making an ask of that person. That is not going to lead to a long term reciprocal relationship that stands the test of time.
Anita Brick: So how do you begin to do that? Because one of the other questions from an alum was: “How do you suggest people retain the perspective of goals that are shorter term, maybe immediate, and relationships that are longer term?”
Susan McPherson: Yep.
Anita Brick: And he said: “I struggle with this when I need to accomplish something now.”
Susan McPherson: Right now can be relative. Right now is in 10 seconds. I can't help you. Now is in a week, a month, a year. Yes. So I think we really need to kind of flip our perspective. The book is divided up into three parts, and I think you recall, Gather, Ask, Do. And the Gather phase is very much what I would like to have a conversation with the student about. And that is when you think very intentionally about what are your goals over the next four years, four months, heck, four weeks. Okay, so let's say four weeks is now. And then you do some deep thinking to find out who are the people you want to connect with or reconnect with that are going to help you meet those goals, while you also can help them.
Literally, the main theme that runs through the entire book, 200 some odd pages, is this notion of leading with how can I be helpful to others? And then the help comes. In that first section, the Gather section when we think about who do we want to connect with to help us reach our goals, we need to be mindful of how we're going to be helpful to them. It's also who you can reconnect with. Sometimes we don't even look within our own community to see who can be helpful or who can be helping.
So to me, to this person, and again, I don't know the person's name, but I would say take a breather for a second and really think, what is it that you're trying to accomplish so that you can be mindful of who you want to connect with? I would add to that we have all the tools in our toolbox, even being isolated to actually learn about others, to find the right person. You know, when I was coming of age professionally, I had two resources to use: the Yellow Pages and the Encyclopedia Britannica. If I wanted to reach out to someone. We would spend the next hour just listing places people could go to learn about others if I was to start listing them.
Anita Brick: Sometimes people feel that they don't have anything to offer. They also have an urgency about getting what they need. And then I know both students and alums have submitted questions, but this happens to be another student. And the person said: “I think I know my values, yet I have needs that are immediate, that require immediate support. How do I build a relationship quickly?”
Now, we don't know what quickly means. I suspect quickly means maybe a couple of months, maybe a shorter timeframe than that. I guess it's two parts. Number one, how do you do that and how do you do that if you don't even know how you can help the other person? It feels like a little bit of a black hole for me.
Susan McPherson: I do want to state every single one of us has superpowers, whether it's knowing how to cook amazing spaghetti, speaking a foreign language, knowing how to use TikTok. RReally think internally what are their superpowers? And I would push them when they say, oh, I don't have any. All of us can be helpful to others, and when we are helpful to others, yes, it may not be in a day, but in a few weeks it will come back and help.
Part of the gather phase, it's really important to do that assessment of what is it that you have to offer. And then I have met with so many to say, but I don't know anyone. You know, one of the things my parents taught me very early on is that we shouldn't look at other individuals and think, oh, they can't be helpful because they hold this position in society or because they're not an executive at a company I want to work. We don't know what we don't know. If we don't take the time to find out, we are missing tremendous opportunities that are literally staring us in the face. So before we say we don't know anybody, please do that. And I think you would be surprised. I mean, there's an entire platform called Next Door that literally exploded during the pandemic because all of a sudden people were like paying attention to who lives next door to them.
Anita Brick: I think that there's a difference between not knowing anyone and feeling that you don't know the people in the area where you want to pivot.
Susan McPherson: 100%. And that's why I spent about 100 pages on the gather phase, which is all about getting very intentional about what your goals are so that you can start thinking about who are the people you want to meet, need to meet that are going to help you get to those places, so that it isn't just shooting darts at a whiteboard.
You pick your 50 people or your 100 people. And then because of the technology tools that we have and believe me, I am both pro-tech and anti-tech because I see how it makes everything too easy sometimes. So we don't put that intentionality and that compassion, you know, because we can just rip off a tweet. As opposed to being very mindful about it and thinking about what is this going to help me accomplish? Or how can this better connect me with somebody that could be useful, or I could be helpful to them?
Anita Brick: Okay, I don't think it's that hard to identify people. You go into LinkedIn, you put the industry in, you put the company in, you find people. Obviously, the first level connections, well they may be close to you or not. Maybe you have to build some more knowledge around them. And you look at the second level and people are inundated. They're super busy. Why would they listen to you? What are a couple of things that someone can do to stand out in that initial conversation? And then I have a follow-on question.
Susan McPherson: Well, I love that question because I often, when there's a, if I'm speaking to a group, I often ask for a show of hands. How many of you have connected with somebody on LinkedIn? And within 90 minutes you have an ask from that person and every single hand goes up. So I said, what if that person actually took a little time to find out a little bit more about you? What if there was a way you could be supportive to that person and put it in that initial correspondence? Guess what? Chances are, I can't promise you, but chances are you will rise above the noise. As opposed to just being like everyone else and saying, hi, can you help me? Or can you buy from me the fact that I did the research to find out a little bit about you, or perhaps I saw that you posted something on Instagram that said you were raising money for a cause, and I wanted to send $10 or $100. You know, these are the things that would help you stand out. So what I'm saying is do a little bit more research than just looking at their LinkedIn page. Think about something that you could offer up.
Anita Brick: How do you make that look genuine and not manipulative?
Susan McPherson: Well, there's always going to be the people that think it's manipulative. And there's nothing I can do about that. There's nothing I can say in my entire last 35 years, 30 years of professional work, I have always led with how can I be helpful? And in the last eight years of running a company which I founded at 48, 95% of our business has been in [inaudible].
So what that tells me is the people that I support it, that I need intros to, that I connected, that I sat down a night with, have come back to assist and I guarantee you there were people over the years that said, oh, Susan, she's doing this for her own benefit. Well, maybe I was, but I certainly didn't know I was because I didn't know when I was in my 20s, in my 30s, and even in my early 40s that I was going to be running a company.
Anita Brick: Well, it's an interesting point, and I think it does start. I mean, not to be too gushy about this, but I do think it starts with your intention in your heart. It's very interesting because it feels like we've become, through this pandemic, even a bit more transactional. So one of the alums said, and he has quite a bit of experience. He said, when you set the purpose of a meeting, what is the purpose is to get connected to the hiring manager for a role you want. How can you make this attractive to someone who is just about a stranger?
Susan McPherson: Well, again, I know I sound redundant. We have the luxury of all these tools, so when we walk into a meeting, whether it's a virtual meeting or an in-person meeting with an absolute stranger, we can find out a whole lot about them before that meeting. And again, that's a generalization. There certainly are people that are absolutely not on social anywhere, not on Facebook, not on LinkedIn, not on TikTok, not on Instagram. So it's very hard to find out. But the vast majority of people have what I call breadcrumbs. So you can find out if you grew up in the same town or you both worked in a previous company that you know was connected to each other, it's like we all can do a little background without being obviously nosy or stalking, but come prepared so that if you do have an ask, you have offers to go with it. You can tell I'm very passionate about this.
Anita Brick: Me too. I'm there with you.
Susan McPherson: And God forbid you can't come up with anything. Then just be incredibly direct and say that right now you don't feel there's ways you can be helpful, that you will do everything you can in the future to be helpful.
Anita Brick: Okay. That's fair. This goes along with that. And this happens to be a student who said: “I have a big ask to make. I really want to do this now, but I don't have the connections yet. How would you advise someone to make micro asks and not lose patience?”
Susan McPherson: In the book, I call it the five-minute ask. To me the most important thing is small asks along the way so that you garner almost a long focused, vested interest in what you're doing. So that when you have a big ask, it doesn't come like a hammer on a nail. If you have a job and you also, you know, serve on the board of a nonprofit that you're really, really trying to support, I wouldn't go with the first ask asking for $10,000. You know, instead, I would share the information about the organization, share your passion, maybe ask for a share on social media, maybe ask for an intro to three other people who might be interested, and then keep the dialogue going. And 4 or 5 months down the road. then you can make the big ask.
Anita Brick: And I think that sometimes you have to walk away because you're never going to be able to ask, make the big ask they've given you, like all they can give you. How do you know when to stop?
Susan McPherson: You know, I work in social impact, so I have to be very relentless to make things happen. But I also believe if you're very direct and you give people choices, the chances of them ghosting you are much more diminished. I guess you could say. Because it's much easier if you say, here's three ways you can be helpful, then the one big thing. And if the person can't do it, it's human nature to kind of say, you know what, I'm just going to run away. Yeah, but if it's three and perhaps a few that are very, very low hanging fruit. I have found and I'm sure you have as well, most people on this planet want to be helpful.
Anita Brick: You're absolutely right.
Susan McPherson: We tend to operate from this notion of, yeah, well, I'm bothering that person. I flip the switch and I always say people want the opportunity to be helpful. If we carry that mantra, we're going to be happily rewarded. Just remember, people are busy. People have rough patches where they can't be helpful. I had some major health issues the last few months, but the requests kept coming. What I do, which is very tactical and probably neurotic, is I put in my calendar for a month from now to circle back so that I don't forget.
Anita Brick: That's great. I see you're a very generous person. I mean, I could tell it reading the book and you talk about all the different things you do. One of the things you talk about is connectors. The connectors are the prize, right? Clearly you're a connector. I think of myself as a connector as well. Those people I get a lot of asks How do you get access to the connectors? And this is an alum who asked this question.
Susan McPherson: Honestly social media is your friend, you can find people that are showcasing others on social, the people that aren't just grandstanding on their own and only putting their own things out there, but showcasing others. Those are people who are connectors, who are supporting others. I don't necessarily say it's easy because all of this takes work and an effort, but the rewards are immeasurable.
So to me, that is the way to do it with people you don't know, the people you do know. Ask the people in your immediate circle, who do you know who are connectors and would they introduce you? But be mindful of how you can be helpful to these people rather than what's in it for me, me, me?
Anita Brick: No question. And it's funny, I remember I post stuff on LinkedIn as one place, but I post stuff on LinkedIn and I would say that I get the most traction when I'm showcasing somebody else. I don't usually showcase myself very much. In one situation, someone did something I thought was really cool. It kept going and going and going and going. So I think that that's something we can do too. Isn't that another way to actually be visible to others by, again, genuinely showcasing others and acknowledging their successes too?
Susan McPherson: I get so much joy showcasing people on all of the platforms. You're right, it's contagious and there's enough vitriol in the world that I think, quite frankly, putting out good, uplifting, supportive commentary. There's no negative there. Yes, it takes time, but I think of it as valuable time that is enriching your soul and actually helping you on the back end.
And I do want to reiterate, in my 20s and 30s, in my 40s, I had absolutely no idea that I was going to be running a company. So it wasn't like when I met with those people that I had something maniacal in the back of my mind saying, oh, I'm going to come after you when I start running a company. It wasn't even part of the equation.
Anita Brick: I mean, it's smart. There are a couple of questions. This is something that I hear and this is just one example of it. A student said: “Asking how I can help leads to my giving, which I'm happy to do, and then it goes out of control. I don't get anything back. I feel resentful and exhausted and then I don't want to help anymore. But I don't know how to break the cycle. Any suggestions greatly appreciated.”
Susan McPherson: Boundaries. Give yourself a number and say after this, no more. It sounds ridiculous, but it's the only way to break the cycle. And I am a big believer in oxygen mask first. I am not suggesting that we just stop everything and only help others. That would be unreasonable, unfeasible and not healthy. Go back to thinking about your goals over the next four years, four weeks, 14 days, what have you. When asks come between now and when you hopefully can realize your goal, try to be mindful if the individual asks are helping you get there. Obviously many of them are not, and if time allows, do it. You can do exactly what I did when my health was spiraling and say, I'm not able to help right now. When and if I can, I will come back to you. And then I make a note in my calendar.
Anita Brick: That's fair because it is important to set boundaries because otherwise–
Susan McPherson: …it's unrealistic.
Anita Brick: Yeah. And if you're really generous like you are, you want to do it. I think that's really good advice.
So here's a question from–actually, when she submitted it she was a student and then she graduated. The question that recent alumna said: “I'm transitioning into VC and I am an outsider. What are a few things you did to become an insider in the world of early stage investing?”
Susan McPherson: Well, you got to put it out there. Putting it on your Instagram or your social media. First and foremost state the fact that you're doing this. Then I would look within your existing community and that means you know, your fellow students, the alums, the professors, as well as your neighbors, your family. And I would send out an email saying, this is something you either want to do or you are doing. And with very specifics of ways people can be helpful. I have done that several times in my life, and the return on that investment in time has been extraordinary. But this is going to go back to that question when people say, but I don't know anyone. We all know people. We immediately make assumptions about people that they can't be helpful because of whatever position they hold or where they grew up. And that is completely wrong because we all can be supportive of one another.
Anita Brick: It's true. In this case, I have a follow-up question, and that is when you're doing that, whether it's on social media or through email or whatever means you use. In the world of VC, there are a lot of wannabes. They're never going to actually do it because they're not going to follow through. But it sounds kind of glamorous. And even during the pandemic, everything was riding really high.
Susan McPherson: Yeah.
Anita Brick: How do you look serious rather than just a wannabe?
Susan McPherson: I don't work directly in that field, so I hesitate to give very, very specific advice. But again, I think it's important to find out who. And again, you can do this on Twitter. You can use the hashtag VC and start seeing who are the influencers. Who are the people that are vested in this marketplace. And then actually start engaging with them, retweeting something that they've said, comment on their LinkedIn posts so that you can start to learn the language, become familiar with the players.
I mean, ten years ago or in 2010. So 11 years ago I started something on Twitter called CSR chat, which stood for Corporate Responsibility or Corporate Social Responsibility Chat. And it was merely my way to learn more about the space and find out who the players were. And every two weeks I would invite somebody from the industry to join me for a 30 minute blah, blah, back and forth. And it became a thing. In fact, when I wanted to start doing it, it became very difficult to stop doing it in 2017.
So the point is, all of this information is out there. It's a matter of being very intentional and going out and looking for it. I don't want to say it's easy. None of this is easy, but this is over the long haul. The investment you put in upfront will pay off.
Anita Brick: I mean, you do invest in startups that are with female founders and I guess also non-binary founders as well. But here's the question that I have. What did you do? What allowed you to go from not doing that to being someone who's taken seriously in that field?
Susan McPherson: Obviously had the enormous privilege to be able to write checks, personally. That came as an awakening when I realized I wasn't going to be having children. The moneys that I had socked away years ago that I actually, you know, you at the beginning of the broadcast, well before the broadcast, you asked me about my mom. You know, my mom was killed in a pretty horrific tragedy, and there was a class action lawsuit that gave my family–I don't want to call it a nest egg because none of us could retire or anything–but it was the kind of money I could put away for a rainy day. And that rainy day happened about ten years ago, when I realized I wasn't having children. And a wonderful way to honor my mother's memory was to support women founders of startups.
I was part of various women's communities that were mainly almost like listservs at the time, and it was through those communities that I learned about some of the women who were founding startup companies. Now, I would never when people ask me my investing advice, I always say, don't listen to it, because what I do is I fall in love with the founder, and that is not how you want to invest your money if you want to think about a long-term return.
However, for me, what it did was it not only helped me learn about how companies were run because mind you, I founded my company at age 48 and it's not like I ever took a business class. No offense, but I was a history major and political science minor, so I probably took one business class my freshman year of college, which was in 1982.
By investing in now 19 women led startups, I have had binoculars right into the workings of companies that are now maybe growing, and that has been a gift. So to me, it didn't happen overnight. After you do one and if you're credible, then you're introduced to others. I will also say, though, I never write checks unless there's other ways I can be helpful, whether it's helping with media, helping them secure board members, helping them hire. In other words, just writing a check wouldn't be meaningful to me at this point in my life.
Anita Brick: Got it. So do you have time for one more question?
Susan McPherson: I absolutely do, and I'm sorry if my answers are too long winded.
Anita Brick: No, your answers are great. Your answers ar totally fine. I do recommend reading The Lost Art of Connecting because it's very powerful. It's also very tactical and prescriptive, which is something we all like here. That all said, what are the top three things that you would advise someone to do who wants to create enduring relationships for a successful career in the long term?
Susan McPherson: First and foremost, be curious. Walk through the world with a very open mind and ask questions of others. Two, lead with your attributes and how you can be helpful to others. And three, make the investment of time before you're going to an event, before you're going through a gathering, before you're going to a zoom meeting. If you can, to find out who's in the room and determine who can be helpful and who can you help.
Anita Brick: It does seem that that is the bottom line of everything. I mean, today it feels like people are not as happy because we've been disconnected for a long time. And it sounds like your ability to connect through genuine means is kind of the bottom line of your advice, because that creates enormous value for you and for others.
Susan McPherson: Absolutely, absolutely. And the joy and dopamine that comes back when you support others is like an instant energy boost. And I want to reiterate because it's important, this is not about not taking oxygen mask first.
Anita Brick: Oh, absolutely. Absolutely. Any other final words of wisdom you want to share with us, Susan?
Susan McPherson: Well, for those of you who feel that putting the time and effort into meaningfully connecting with others is a waste of time, it actually is going to help you live longer. More than running every day and eating kale every day. I love kale. After all, I live in Brooklyn and my running days are over, so I have to think that my love and passion and ability to make connections help people connect, introduce people is going to help me live a long and healthy life.
Anita Brick: That's a wonderful way to think about it. And the benefits to ourselves and others I feel are rippling and enormous. So thank you, Susan. Thank you for writing the book. I really thank you for that and for sharing what is incredibly powerful. Not just that, but accessible to each of us.
Susan McPherson: Thank you so much. I so appreciate the time and interest.
Anita Brick: Oh, thank you. And thank you all for listening. This is Anita Brick with CareerCast at Chicago Booth. Keep advancing.
Opportunities are often “hidden” without having career advocates to facilitate them. Yet with those meaningful introductions, many career and entrepreneurial “big breaks” occur. The question is how do you create authentic and mutually beneficial relationships where the risk to help you is worth it to the other person. In this CareerCast, Susan McPherson, CEO of McPherson Strategies and author of The Lost Art of Connecting: The Gather, Ask, Do Method for Building Meaningful Business Relationships, shares how to connect with others (who may be different from you) and generate opportunities that benefit all parties.
Susan McPherson is a serial connector, angel investor, and corporate responsibility expert. She is the founder and CEO of McPherson Strategies, a communications consultancy focused on the intersection of brands and social impact. Susan is part of the 50 over 50--Impact 2021 list by Forbes Magazine.
Susan is the author of The Lost Art of Connecting: The Gather, Ask, Do Method for Building Meaningful Relationships (McGraw-Hill, 2021). She has 25+ years of experience in marketing, public relations, and sustainability communications, speaking regularly at industry events including Inspirefest/Dublin, BSR, Center for Corporate Citizenship's Annual Summit, DLD and Techonomy, and contributing to the Harvard Business Review, Fast Company, and Forbes. She has appeared on NPR, CNN, USA Today, The New Yorker, New York Magazine and the Los Angeles Times.
Currently, Susan invests in and advises women-led start-ups, including: iFundWomen, Inc., Messy.fm, Our Place, The Riveter, Park Place Payments, Hint Water, Apolitical, Arlo Skye, Giapenta and The Muse. She serves on the boards of USA for UNHCR, The 19th News, and the Lower Eastside Girls Club, and serves on the advisory boards of The List and Alltruists. Additionally, she is a member of the MIT Solve Women and Technology Leadership Group and serves as an adviser to several nonprofits, including Girls Who Code, She’s The First, and The OpEd Project. Susan is a Vital Voices global corporate ambassador. She resides in Brooklyn.
The Lost Art of Connecting: The Gather, Ask, Do Method for Building Meaningful Business Relationships by Susan McPherson (2021)
Kiss Your Dragons: Radical Relationships, Bold Heartsets, & Changing the World by Shawn Nason, Robin Glasco, and Michael Harper (2021)
The 5 Languages of Appreciation in the Workplace: Empowering Organizations by Encouraging People by Gary Chapman and Paul White (2019)
The Connector's Advantage: 7 Mindsets to Grow Your Influence and Impact by Michelle Tillis Lederman (2019)
Networking for People Who Hate Networking, Second Edition: A Field Guide for Introverts, the Overwhelmed, and the Underconnected by Devora Zack (2019)
Friend of a Friend . . .: Understanding the Hidden Networks That Can Transform Your Life and Your Career by David Burkus (2018)
The Seven Levels of Communication: Go from Relationships to Referrals by Michael J. Maher (2016)
Give and Take: Why Helping Others Drives Our Success by Adam Grant (2014)
Enchantment: The Art of Changing Hearts, Minds, and Actions by Guy Kawasaki (2012)
How to Win Friends and Influence People in the Digital Age by Dale Carnegie & Associates (2011)
It’s Not About You: A Little Story About What Matters Most in Business by Bob Burg and John David Mann (2011)
Go-Givers Sell More by Bob Burg and John David Mann (2010)